


If you only knew

by BlossomRose



Category: Kuroshitsuji : The Most Beautiful DEATH in the World - Iwasaki/Mori/Mari, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Fluff, M/M, One Shot, Romance, Short & Sweet, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-08
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-24 06:07:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17699063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlossomRose/pseuds/BlossomRose
Summary: Alan meant to tell Eric his feelings for him for so long now. When he finally does, he's not sure if he should in the first place... It was a good idea, was it really?





	If you only knew

Alan stood infront of the wooden door and gulped.  
His heart was racing like mad and his mind went crazy.  
It was cold and he wanted to get into the warm flat that was hidden behind the door infront of him but somehow his mind kept him from ringing the bell.  
It wasn’t hard to overlook that he was afraid of something.  
He pulled his parker tighter around his shivering body.  
How did he even end up here? How did it come to this?   
The apartment door belonged to no one else but Eric Slingby and that’s why Alan was so nervous and afraid.  
Everytime he talked to him or was near the elder reaper his heart raced and his palms got sweaty, there was no way of denying that he took a liking to the handsome scotsman.  
In fact, he fell in love with him, it took him a while to discover these feelings but towards the end of the mentorship he had been certain.  
They grew close throughout the mentorship and now they were best friends, that made it even harder for Alan.  
Eric always bragged about how many girls he had and always explained to Alan with explicit details how his tours through the pubs went and how many women he had.  
That always made Alans heart ache and he felt a sharp pain in his chest, almost like his heart got pierced by a knife but he couldn’t show it.  
How could he?  
Eric wouldn’t understand how upset Alan was over all of these stories, he always agreed with Eric when he said something about the girls he had and that was about it.  
He always nodded and then, when Eric would say that he wanted to take Alan with him so he could get a good shag himself, Alan would always say that he was busy  
and that he was looking for a longtime relationship not a one night stand.  
He couldn’t tell Eric the truth, that he just didn’t want to see how Eric was flirting and getting drunk.

And yet, here he was, standing infront of Erics door, freezing and not knowing, if Eric was alone or not, not even if he was home.  
Usually Alan called Eric before he came over but this time he hadn’t.  
It had cost him a lot of nerve and courage to come here, today he wanted to tell Eric how he felt, he couldn’t live with this secret any longer.

 

After another long moments of debating with himself if he should just leave or ring the bell he finally did it and rang the bell.  
Not long after, Eric opened the door, wearing track bottoms and a T-Shirt, he smiled at Alan, „Hey there, what’s up?“ the scotsman asked a bit confused, „Something happened? Ye didn’t call“.  
Alan smiled, „Hey“ he took a deep breath, „No, everything is fine, you got a moment?“   
Eric scratched his head, „Well, few moments yeah but I’ll go to the pub in about thirty minutes“  
Alans heartbeat got faster and faster, „Okay, it’ll take only five minutes“  
„Sure, come in“ Eric said and stepped aside to let Alan inside.  
Alan stepped inside and looked at Eric as the elder reaper closed the door.  
It was nice and warm in here but Alan couldn’t allow himself to enjoy the warmth for too long or else he would never get it off of his chest, what was bothering him.  
So he cleared his throat and turned to Eric.  
The scotsman leaned up against the wall close to the door, arms crossed infront of his chest but he smiled warmly at Alan, wating.  
„Eric, I wanted to tell you something… I meant to tell you that for a while now“  
Erics got curious, „Then tell me Alan, ye know ye can tell me everything“  
Alan took a deep breath, gathering all of his courage that was left in his body, and then he said, „Eric… I think I fell in love with you“   
The silence after that almost killed Alan.   
It was like time froze, no sound could be heard, everything got swallowed up by the silence that had fallen over them.  
Eric stood there and just looked at Alan, no emotion could be seen on his face and that he didn’t say anything made Alan worry all the more.  
If felt like forever when Eric finally said something.  
„Alan… please leave“ he said with a husky voice and opened the door again his eyes were empty as he looked at Alan.  
These words pierced Alans heart and he started to feel nauseous, he thought he was going to cry.  
But then again, he asked himself what he expected from this, that Eric would say, ‚I love ye too‘?   
Maybe he did but the chances were low and now he was certain that there was no chance at all.  
He slowly walked out, still, he wished Eric a good evening but Eric didn’t reply, he just closed the door in Alans face.  
Walking back to his own place, tears streamed down Alans face, wishing he hadn’t said anything.

The following days, Eric avoided Alan, he went with Grell on collections, leaving Alan with Ronald as his partner.  
Alan was sad and didn’t really know what to do, Eric avoiding him robbed him all of his energy and will to even go to work.  
It took him a lot of effort to get to work and pay attention to his schedule.  
He always asked himself why he had even told Eric how he felt, if he hadn’t done that, Eric wouldn’t be ignoring and avoiding him and he wouldn’t feel as miserable as he did now.  
‚How could I be so stupid?‘, he would always question himself and then he felt empty and sad.

Ronald and Grell watched the behaviour of Eric and Alan and felt bad for both of them.  
Especially Grell, she loved Alan dearly as a friend and Eric was her best buddy and seing the two of them like this broke her heart.  
During a break Grell went up to Ronald.  
She approached with a serious face, her shoes making a frightening sound to those, who had to expect bad things from the red haired reaper.  
„Knox, I need to talk to you“ she announced, Ronald looked at her, a bit confused.  
He sat at one of the tables in the breakroom and was drinking a coffee.  
„What did I do?“ he asked nervously, nor knowing what he could have done to upset Grell.  
„Not you, you idiot, I need to talk with you about Alan and Eric“ she said seriously and sat down across from him.  
Ronald nodded, „Oh, okay then let’s talk“ he was relieved it wasn’t about him but he wasn’t sure what to say, although he found their behaviour strange himself.  
„It just gets on my nerves that they act so strange, especially Eric. He acts so weird, he doesn't talk back at me anymore and he even does his overtime without complaining.  
He never says more then necessary and that sucks. I miss his loud mouth.“ Grell said and sighed in concern.  
Ronald nodded slowly, „I feel you on this one, Alan also acts weird. Well okay, it’s normal for him to not talk so much and to do his work on time but he fell completely silent.  
When we’re out on field work, he never says more then two sentences in one conversation and that's unusual, even for him.  
He does his work and that’s about it, he also stares off into space, what he usually never does. It starts to creep me out.“  
Grell shook her head, „ If that problem doesn’t solve itself until the end of next week we’ll have to do something. What could have possibly happened that these two fell out with each other? They were always so close.“   
Ronald nodded, „I tried to talk to Eric the other day but he waved me off with the usual, ‚everything is okay and he just needed his space for once‘, set phrase or something like that.  
But Eric never needs his space, we both know he loves company and loves being around people, he hates being alone and by himself.“  
„I completely agree“, Grell stated, „I used to know everything that went on in Alans life, after all, I’m his best friend but in know NOTHING. He doesn’t call or comes over to chat,  
it’s like he doesn’t want someone to talk to, although it's obvious that he is depressed about something.“   
Ronald gave it a bit of thought, „Maybe the two got into a very personal and serious fight and try to get over their pride to talk to each other again?“   
Grell tapped her chin with her gloved fingers, „That sounds logical but yet again, what could have possibly set them off?  
Eric is the one, who doesn’t take anything personal and Alan is so calm and loving, he wouldn’t step on someones toes and he knows well, Eric never means things seriously.“  
Ronald threw his arms up in defeat, „Then I am out of options, I have no clue what could have happened but I want this situation to be solved because I miss my best friend and I miss the calmness in the office that Alan brings with him.“  
Grell nodded in agreement, „I want them to work as a team again and not against each other or apart.“

 

It was late that night when Eric ended his shift.  
He had done some overtime to kill time, he didn’t want to go home.  
At home, he had no real distraction from the thoughts, that had haunted his mind for the last past days now.  
He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t think and he couldn’t keep his mind set on another thing but this specific topic.  
For the last days now, he’d been thinking about Alan and the confession he made a couple of days ago towards him.  
He went back and forth with it, having mixed feelings about it.  
On one side he would just go up to Alan, kiss him and tell him he loved him too but on the other side he denied these feelings inside of him and was too proud to admit them.  
So he took his distance to figure himself out, and that almost a week had passed, since he last talked to Alan, killed him and also made him feel lonely.  
Alan had always been there, since he had first met him and now it felt like half of him was missing.  
And now, after 5 days of thinking everything through, not meeting his friends, not talking to Alan and staying off of the alcohol, there was no way of denying, he was in love with the delicate brunet.  
It took him so long to discover these feelings but now he was sure.  
He missed Alan, more then he could put in words and seeing him but not talking to him, almost ripped his heart out, he and his damn pride.  
„I think I fell in love with you“, this one particular sentence echoed through Erics head and haunted him like a ghost.  
He needed to talk to Alan and clear this out but he didn’t know how and to be telling the truth, he was nervous.  
For the first time in his life, Eric didn’t know how to talk to Alan, eventhough he knew what he wanted to talk to him about.  
But he knew he had to work up his nerve and talk to Alan, he needed to tell him how he felt and he did feel the same for Alan but he didn’t know how to tell him that.

As Eric got home, he tossed everything into the hallway and made his way into the living room, passing a framed picture of him and Alan.  
He picked it up and gently touched the spot on the glass, were Alan was.  
A soft smile crossed his face, „I love the way ye smile“, he whispered but then his smile dropped.  
„I know I have to talk to ye and I will, very soon“, a sigh left his lips as he set the picture back down, „I will, very soon“.

 

A week had passed since the day Eric took his distance from Alan.  
It was a friday evening, Alan was at home, he had just made himself a cup of tea and settled down on the couch with a book.  
Although he couldn’t really concentrate he tried to read, he tried to do his best, of distracting himself from his own thoughts.  
It’s been a week but still it ate away on Alan, it killed him that Eric took his distance from him and he didn’t even know a hundred percent why.  
If it was due to the confession, he could at least talk to Alan about it, that would be something Alan would understand but without even one single word, Eric just excluded him from his life.  
Not two weeks ago, Eric had told Alan nothing could keep him from Alan and now it seemed like this little, stupid confession had ruined everything they had, their bond, their friendship, everything.  
That made Alan so sad, Eric wouldn’t even answer the phone.  
But it couldn’t be helped, he had to move on with his life, no matter how he felt, but it was so hard.

It had been a few hours, the tea was cold by now and Alan didn’t even read half of the book, he just stared at the pages most of the time.  
By now, he had forgotten what he had even been reading and sighed, as he skipped to the front of the book once more, to start all over again.  
Suddenly the doorbell rang, the brunet reaper looked at the clock on the wall, quarter past 9pm.  
Confused Alan stood up from the sofa and made his way to the door.  
As he opened it, his heart almost stopped, there stood Eric, looking at him.  
Before Alan could say anything Eric cleared his throat, „Could we talk?“   
Alan wanted to ask him if he was out of his mind, wanted to ask him why he had been ignoring him for an entire week, and now came to him and wanted to talk all of a sudden.  
But instead of doing that, he just nodded, „Y yes, come in“.  
He stepped aside, allowing Eric to come in and the scotsman did.  
Alan closed the door behind him and looked at Eric, curious what he would have to say or what he would like to talk about.  
A few moments went by without someone talking, they just stood in the hallway of Alans flat but then Eric started.  
„Well… I wanted to tell ye I am sorry for taking my distance lately but I needed some time to think.  
Not telling ye this was mean I get that“, he took a deep breath, „But ever since ye told me that ye have feelings for me, I can’t think straight, it might have looked like it but that wasn’t the case.  
In this week I didn’t go out, I haven’t met with my friends and all… I was by myself the entire time to think everything through.  
And finally now I have the balls to talk with you about the whole situation.“   
Alan nodded, „Okay“ he said with a shaky voice and waited for Eric to continue, he was shook by how serious, yet gentle and honest Eric talked with him.  
„Well… Now I think it would be only fair if I answered to your confession“, one could tell that Eric was nervous and felt a bit uncomfortable, „Well, I tried to forget your words, I tried to push them aside but I couldn’t.  
I was so distracted by these words, I couldn’t shake them off no matter what I tried and I couldn’t forget yer face while ye told me that“  
Alan couldn’t tell where this was going but he had mixed feelings about it and he felt nauseous and his heart beat quickened.  
„So… I gave it some thought, I thought about everything, ever since we met“ Eric continue, one could tell he was beating around the bush, „And I would lie, if I said, I wouldn’t have any feelings for ye."   
Alan felt like his world turned up side down, it felt like the ground was pulled away from under him and he was falling.  
He felt as if everything was turning and he stared at Eric in disbelief, „S so… what will happen now?“ he wanted to know with a shaky voice.  
Eric looked a bit lost, „I… am not quite sure…“ he said.  
That disappointed Alan, he thought Eric at least would have an idea of how they could solve all of this, but it seemed like Eric didn’t think this through.  
A sigh left Alans lips, as he rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes, „So… will you keep ignoring me in the office?“ he asked quietly.  
Eric sighed aswell but he sounded more wrecked then anything, it probably had cost him a lot of nerve to explain everything to Alan.  
„I can’t promise anything for now but I will promise ye one thing, this situation won’t be going on forever“   
That was enough for Alan, he turned to the door to open it, but before he could ask Eric to leave, he felt a warm body press against his back, he stumbled a few steps forward and his front met the cold wooden door of his flat.  
He could feel Erics warm breath on his neck and shivered from that sensation, waited for Eric to say something, while his own heartbeat quickened.  
„Alan… please don’t make me leave now“ Eric whispered right next to the ear of the brunet.  
As if he was hypnotised Alan nodded, he felt Erics breath brush by his ear and down the side of his neck, while the elder spoke and it made Alan develop goosebumps down his spine.  
Eric turned Alan around to him, softly pressing his body against Alans, Alan was a bit smaller then Eric, so his eyes rested on the chin of the blonde reaper while they spoke, he didn’t dare to look Eric in the eye.  
This situation was a bit strange for him, captured between Erics warm body and the cold door.  
As Eric spoke again Alan couldn’t believe his ears, „Alan, kiss me“ Eric whispered.  
Alan looked up in disbelief, „W what?“ he whispered and felt like he would faint.  
„Kiss me, I want to be sure about my feelings for ye“ the elder said and made Alan look him in the eye, as he gently pushed up Alans chin with two fingers.  
Alans eyes met Erics and the younger reaper couldn’t do anything but nod and close his eyes, as Erics face kept getting closer to his, until their lips were only inches apart.  
The moment they met, Alan wanted to back away, it felt so surreal, Erics warm but soft lips gently brushed against his own and Alan feared, that his heart would burst.  
The kiss was short but the best moment in the world for the younger reaper  
Eric backed away a bit and looked at Alan, „Well… uhm…“ he didn’t say more but kissed Alan again, this time a bit more firm and the kiss lasted longer.  
Alan returned the kiss slowly but he did, since he couldn’t really believe this was happening.  
They kissed for a moment longer and when their faces parted again, even Erics cheeks were flushed red.  
„And?… Are you sure about your feelings now?“ Alan asked quietly, he feared the answer a wee bit.  
Eric nodded, „I want to keep kissing ye for the rest of my life“ he said grinning a bit.  
That was the moment, eternal happiness broke loose in Alans heart and he smiled widely, even a tear of happiness quietly slipped down his cheek.  
He nodded, „Please do.“

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there ^-^  
> I'm glad you took the time to read my first story here, hope you liked it ^-^  
> Thanks for reading x3
> 
> BlossomRose


End file.
